Leaving
by WAFFaddict
Summary: Chp 2 Updated. Shinji's leaving and there nothing anyone can do to stop him. Why is he leaving? Where will he go and what will he do? What will everyone do when they find out he's gone?
1. First Steps

**Book 1: Leaving**

By WAFFaddict

Chapter 1: First Steps

"Leave me alone"

His snarled lips weren't the only of thing out of place on this once emotionless face. His eyes were no longer a deep warm, yet calm blue, but had now returned to a cold and hard, dark blue. They spoke of pain and hurt. Then they were gone. His hair covered his eyes as he stared at the floor, clenching and unclenching his fists. This was no longer the boy everyone had known as Shinji Ikari; this was a beast fueled by his hatred and anger.

'Shinji'

"Shinji, what's wrong….Shinji….Shinji"

Misato hoped that she would be able to reach him, but it might just push him over the edge. He had been fine earlier at Nerv. This was her job, her responsibility. She was in charge of the well-being of the pilots. It hadn't been but a few hours since she had last seen him. Only one person could have done something like this.

'Asuka'

A quick scan of the apartment turned up nothing. Either Asuka had retreated to her room or else she wasn't even home. That would mean that either she feared punishment or she had nothing to do with it. Misato knew she would have to wait till later to worry about that, but now she had to find out what was wrong with Shinji. She had never seen him like that, so full of emotion. She admitted she wanted him to be more open, but this Shinji was similar to Unit 01 when it went berserk.

'I have to try to help, if not for Shinji then for….everyone that depended on him to save them from the Angels…No, for my self'

She had to say something to him, yet the word wouldn't come. .

'What could I say? What should I say?'

Every subject she thought of could be considered dangerous ground. Her position allowed her a way out, but it even sounded like a lie to her. This was Shinji that she was talking about. Sure at first it had been about her duty as a Nerv officer, but now that had changed. Then he was just a pilot, someone who could accomplish her wish for the destruction of Angels. He was her roommate, her charge, and more importantly, a part of her makeshift family and her friend. She didn't want to lie to him; there were already too many lies in Nerv blending in with the truth. Yet, the truth may hurt them both. Misato didn't want to become another source of pain for Shinji. Pain seemed to surround Eva, yet it seemed to follow Shinji. It was something Shinji seemed to coexist with as one. The one thing that people recognized him for caused him pain that they never knew of, but he still piloted. The person who abandoned him and seemed to be the source of this pain had control over his life and others around him.

"Shinji…"

Her arm straightened as she reached to him only for him to he raise his head look into her eyes. As their eyes met, something stirred inside Misato, and she froze.

"I…"

'His eyes, so much pain. I don't know what to do. Oh Shinji, I'm so sorry'

Inside of Misato, those stirrings became a screams.

'Hug him'

"I..."

'Kiss him'

"I…"

'Make love to him'

"Shin..."

'Do what ever. Ease his pain. Let him know you care'

As if in a dream before she knew it, she was reaching out towards Shinji. As her hand reached his shoulder, suddenly her phone rang. Misato continued to stare at Shinji, she was afraid that when she blinked he would be gone. As the phone rang again, she answered it never allowing her eyes to leave him.

"Katsuragi, here."

"Yes."

"I'll be there"

Short and sweet, that exactly how Misato liked her conversation. She never really liked to beat around the bush.

"Shinji, I have to report back to Nerv, will you be ok."

The look of concern on Misato's face wasn't lost on Shinji, yet it only angered him more. He was still being a burden

"I'm fine, Misato. Sorry about earlier."

'I'm sorry for everything Misato'

"No prob. Look Shinji, if you ever need someone to talk to or just get something off you chest, I'm available."

'Please open up to me Shinji. I don't want to left in the dark like at Nerv.'

"Don't worry Misato, I'm just a little tired, that's all."

'Misato shouldn't have to worry about me. She has a job to do and she should been unfocused because of me.'

"Sure, that's what I thought as well"

'You're a terrible liar, Shinji. Why won't you tell the truth? Always there for others, yet never allowing others to be there for you.'

Misato hugged Shinji tightly and before turning and walking out the door. Once outside the door, Misato made her way to the elevator and quickly ran in. She pushed the ground level button and waited for the doors to close.

'Shinji'

As the doors closed, tears began to flow down her checks. She shut her eyes refusing to let anymore of her pain to be shown. She had become stronger, she didn't need to cry. Not at a time like this.

'How long had it been since I had shed tears for another person?'

She pulled a tissue from her purse and began to dab her eyes hoping that they would no longer be red when she reached Nerv

'How long would it be before I do it again?'

The tightness in her chest as she remember his eyes told her that it wouldn't long.

Shinji had watched Misato leave. He could tell that she didn't believe what he had said.

'I should have told her especially after I almost chewed her head off after she only tried to help'

The time had finally arrived

"I never thought that I'd be able to actually do this. I've tried before, but I couldn't complete it. Now I have no choice."

It hurt, but this was what he had to do. Misato, Asuka, Rei, Touji, Hikari, Kensuke, and even Pen-pen, he would miss them the most. Friends and family, they were something he had experienced in a long time.

"This is what best for everyone"

He continued to pack his clothing into his backpack Clothing, his SDAT player, and pictures of those he cared for. He had everything he needed.

'Do you truly have everything you needed?'

"That voice"

It was the same voice that constantly told him, that he was worthless, that he was a failure. It reminded him of his father abandoning him, of his life before coming to Tokyo-3; it reminded him of his loneliness.

'Do you truly have everything you needed?'

"Yes"

'Liar'

"I am"

'What you need will still be here when you leave'

……

'How long it will be here is a something that may depend on you'

"What do you mean?"

'With you gone, what if they can't defeat the Angels and they destroy everything. It would be you fault'

"How would it be my fault? Aside from that they won't lose, Nerv still has Asuka and Rei."

'The fault lies in abandoning one's teammates, which can be similar to abandoning ones child.

"Shut up, I'm nothing like him"

'So you say, Shinji. So you say.

"There's nothing about me that is similar to that bastard. I'm sick of your lies. This is what everyone wants"

'Is it what everyone wants or just what you want?'

"This is what they want. One less burden for Misato. One less irritation for Asuka. Father doesn't need me, Rei can pilot Unit 01. Touji's sister is in the hospital because of me, how many more people will I injure or worse yet, kill before they get that I wasn't meant to pilot an Eva.

'There are many truths yet people can only see from their own perspective.'

"Truth or no truth, this has to be done. The pain that I cause will no longer affect them"

'Running away is still running away, even if you create a reason.'

"Running away is far better than hurting those around you or being left instead"

'I guess Asuka was right, you are a coward'

"Shut up"

'Touched a nerve, huh'

"Why do you torment me?'

'Because you want me to.'

"Because I want you to"

'Yes'

"So I cause myself pain as well. I really must be an idiot."

"No, you are just human. But that also means that you can change.'

"Change, huh"

'Yeah, when you return maybe you'll see things in a whole new light'

"What do you mean when I return?"

'Come on, Shinji. We both know that you are planning to return eventually. Otherwise you wouldn't be packing you Nerv Id and your cell phone.'

"Yeah, this is really the only place I can call home. Well I'm finished packing and its time"

Shinji zipped his backpack and shut his door as he walked into the living room. As he walked out the door, he turned and took a final look at the place he once called home.

"Goodbye"

And with that he began to his journey.

He was no longer a slayer of Angels.

He was no longer an Eva pilot.

He was not as a member of Nerv

He was not a hero

He was not a coward

He was not an idiot.

He was just Shinji.

Author's Note:

I'm back from hiding with a brand new fic. You're probably wondering what happened to cause Shinji to leave. Probably wondering where Asuka is. Well hopefully some of that will be explained in the chapters to come. Leaving is part 1 of a 3 part series for now. I'm also finishing up with chapter 4 of More Than Meet the Eye.

Leaving 2-3 chapters

Wandering 2-3 chapters

Returning 2-3 chapters

(These are subject to change)

Leaving

1st draft 7/11/04 No pre-reader were used or harmed in the making of this fic


	2. Baggage

**Leaving**

By WAFFaddict

Chapter 2

Baggage

The first and seemingly hardest hurdle had been cleared, yet many more would have to be cleared before he would be free. Free, a word that never held much meaning before he arrived in Tokyo 3. Shinji had taken his first steps from the cage surrounding his life.

Free of his father

Free of Eva

Free of Asuka

Free of the expectations

Free of being a burden to everyone

Free of the pain they all caused him

'One of the hardest things in life to gain is freedom. Freedom always comes at a high price. Do the consequences outweigh the rewards? '

" My life seems to revolve around consequences."

'Once you attain this freedom you realize that this isn't actually freedom. There is no absolute freedom except in death. '

"The one true freedom"

'I wish to gain freedom from my father and the pain he caused, yet I would never be free from the memories. The memories of my experiences with Eva would always hunt me. Only those who had directly experienced it could possibly understand. Though not all the memories I had were bad, they overshadowed the good memories. Then there were the nightmares that plagued me every night. I began to understand why the pilots constantly had frequent psychological evaluations. First off, the pilots weren't your average emotionally healthy children to begin with. You had to be pretty screwed up anyway to consider piloting and even more screwed up to want to do it. '

"Kensuke Aida comes to mind"

'He's the resident military nut, hacker, Eva enthusiast, and last but not least all around nerd or geek, depending your definition, of class 2-A I must admit when it comes to getting information, he's one of the best around. Since I've known him, he's gotten more and more obsessed with Nerv and Eva. I had been sure that the battle with the 4th Angel would have changed that. Of course he might change his tune quickly if he actually became a pilot and experienced it firsthand. It's probably really glamorous looking from the outside looking in. Fighting Angels in a large robot to save mankind seems like it will result in fortune, fame, and lots and lots of women.

"Apparently I was not made aware of this or either I must be exempt from it. I've been treated like crap since the first day I arrived. Fortune…hmmm… I live in a modest at best apartment with 2 other people and a penguin. My room is basically a storage closet and the only money I received is from Misato. Yep, I'm just rolling in dough. As for fame, people have heard of me, but they couldn't pick me out of a lineup with a mannequin. I guess I just don't fit the hero model, what ever that is. I'm more of the lone wolf type…I wish. I'm more alone than a loner. When most guys find out I'm a pilot they think its cool, but they don't have a true interest in becoming my friend. Then there are the guys who hate me because I pilot an Eva and think that I must act high and might or even those who think I pilot to attract women. If only they knew the truth. As for women, I don't even have to go into that. I have as much luck with women as rock has of floating. Besides those who work for Nerv, my roommates, Rei, and Hikari, I must be invisible to the opposite sex. I'm sure that there are some who would be enticed by the notion of dating an Eva pilot, but I don't think they would be interested in me. When you think of someone piloting a large robot, I don't think I'm the first person you'll think of. Not that I mind all the time, it's hard enough talking to the women around me. I guess I just don't have that confidence.'

"That brings me to Touji Suzuhara"

'The resident jock and troublemaker of class 2-A. He doesn't seem to have any problem talking to the women around me, especially Asuka. They are like oil and fire, anyone caught in the middle is likely to get burned unless your name happens to be Hikari Horaki. They've been at each other's throats since they first met and Hikari is the only person I know of that can bring their argument down peacefully. By peacefully I mean stroking the pride of Asuka and threatening Touji with some after school punishment.'

"Hikari Horaki"

'Hikari is the smart, somewhat nerdy disciplinarian of the class. She's the class representative though I'm not sure if she molds herself to be class rep or if that's just the way she is. From what I've heard from Touji and Kensuke, Hikari has been class rep since grade school. She seems to be Asuka's only real friend, though I'm not sure that Asuka ever really opens up to anyone. It's probably more of a one sided friendship with Hikari

I guess these are really the only people I can call friends. I'm not exactly sure where I stand with Asuka or Rei. They both sort of treat me like a hindrance. Maybe they're right, maybe I am just getting in their way and holding them back from their full potential. If only things could have been different. I guess it happens when you start off on the wrong foot. Of course my first encounters with each of them were not very pleasant. It could be the fact as soon as I met them, an Angel attacked. I guess I know realize my life has never been good.'

A thick glaze of moisture covered the mirror as Shinji glanced about the bathroom.

"I guess Misato was right. Bathing does cleanse the soul."

He could only lay back and stare at the ceiling as steam rose from the water in the tub.

"Another unfamiliar ceiling."

The humid water began to soothe out the stress that had been building up as the day wore on, yet the tension that had been building over the years never seemed to be fully released. Just finding a place that didn't recognize him as a pilot was pretty easy. Of all the pilots, he seemed to be the least recognizable even thought he was the only publicly known male pilot. Maybe it was because of his shy attitude that he avoids the spotlight which Asuka would gladly take. Yet then again he didn't stand out like Asuka or Rei. He didn't have flaming red or chilling blue hair, nor did he have the crimson eyes would quickly catch your attention. He looked like your average everyday, normal looking boy. It didn't matter to him; all that mattered now was that he had a place to think. From now on, it was definitely going to get hard. He slipped down further into the water and closed his eyes as the heat lulled his body into a state of clarity and tranquility. His mind could now relax and the flow of memories began seemingly as they always did, but this time was different. This was the first time that the memories were tolerable, even pleasant. Before only memories of the battle would plague him as he relaxed in Misato bathtub. Yet no matter how terrible the memory, it always reminded him that the next day could be his last.

'If it weren't for that large crowd, I don't think I would have gotten away from Section 2. I figure that by tomorrow afternoon they'll be on to me again. 'I knew from the second I left the apartment that a report went in to Nerv to let them know I was on the move.

"Yet they never seem to be around when I need them."

Surprisingly I've never really had trouble losing Section 2 agents on my trail. The first time I ran away, it took them 2 days before they caught up with me. I didn't really think that I'd be able to lose them, but I didn't try to lose them either. I had no intention of leaving anyway that time; I just needed some time to think about things. I was so deep in thought that before I realized it, I was in downtown Tokyo-3. After I realized Section 2 was no longer behind me, I just kept walking. I wondered if they let me go on purpose and that I didn't really mean anything to Commander Ikari. After all I only had one use, but I was still replaceable. Why should Commander Ikari go through the trouble of tracking a replaceable pilot? If I had kept moving instead of camping with Kensuke, they probably never would have found me. I guess I stuck around with Kensuke and let Section 2 pinpoint my location, in order to prove to myself that I at least had a purpose even if it was just to pilot. Section 2 is still a mystery to me. I have no idea what they actually do besides keeping an eye on the pilots. They just somehow stick out in a crowd with their dark suits and dark shades. They even wear them at night. Though I have seen some in plain clothes, but they still give off that same feel as before. It's hard to really describe how it feels when their around. I always get this creepy feeling when their around me. They all seem to have this cold attitude similar to Commander Ikari. I guess they have to show no weakness or emotion if they want to instill fear. Fear is what runs Nerv. People fear the Angels so they have to depend on Nerv to save them. I've got to get out of Tokyo-3, but where to go. Hokkaido or Okinawa sounds good, but can I make it there undetected.'

The warm water began to finally take affect as fatigue began to replace stress as it eased slowly away. Shinji glanced upwards as his eyelids grew heavier and his thoughts of the future grew blurry, leaving one primary thought.

'Another unfamiliar ceiling'

Author's notes

I don't think I've ever had a steady pre-reader since I've been writing. Oh well, the show must go on.

Draft 1 6/26/05 No pre-readers were used or harmed in making of this chapter

Leaving 2-3 chapters

Escaping -1-2 chapters

Wandering 2-3 chapters

Returning 2-3 chapters

(These are subject to change)


End file.
